Hi, we’re the Fine Brothers
Consider yourselves warned and let this be your MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT.
If you haven’t watched Game of Thrones or just need a refresher we’ve got you covered.
We’re going to be spoil the first 3 seasons so you don’t have to watch 30+ hours to be ready to enjoy the 4th season starting on April 6th.
This recap will be in one take, in under 9 minutes
Starting - NOW
The show takes place on two continents, Westeros and Essos.
Westeros consists of Seven Kingdoms and is ruled by the one on The Iron Throne. This is currently Robert Baratheon who resides in the capital, King’s Landing.
The story begins when WINTER IS COMING, in the North and House Stark.
House Stark is where our main character, Eddard Stark, who most call Ned, rules as Warden of the North.
How do you get Ned from Eddard? We have no idea
Also a part of the North Territory is giant barrier called The Wall.
It protects the realm from wildlings and White Walkers, creepy looking snow zombies who have been extinct for a long time…….allegedly.
Ned has a family that would put the Brady Bunch to shame.
Wife Catelyn, Eldest son Robb, Two Daughters, Sansa and Teens React guest star Arya, and younger sons Bran who climbs buildings like Spiderman, and Rickon who doesn’t really matter. Finally there is Jon Snow, Ned’s bastard son.
And who can forget the family’s adorably dangerous direwolves, WHO ARE GIANT FREAKIN BAD ASS WOLVES!
So Ned ends up getting visited by King.
Years before Robert was king, they led a coup against King Aerys Targaryen, killing all the Targaryens except his two children, Viserys and Daenyrs, who fled to Essos.
We also meet the rest of the royal family.
King Robert’s wife, Cersei Lannister
Her arrogant twin brother Jaime Lannister, who looks disturbingly similar to Prince Charming from Shrek.
And Robert’s three children who all look very similar to Jaime. Hmmmm
The eldest is Joffrey, and soon enough you’re gonna hate him more than any other character in history.
GOD I HATE JOFFREY.
Save it for later Ben/Raf.
The other two kids, well, they don’t really matter.
And let’s not forget crowd favorite Tyrion Lannister who’s shunned by his family because he’s a dwarf, and because his birth caused the death of his mother.
King Robert tells Ned that his second in command AKA the Hand of The King Jon Arryn has been murdered and he wants Ned to take his place.
He also promises to betroth Sansa to Joffrey if he accepts, but Ned isn’t sure he wants the gig.
During the royal visit Bran takes one of his wall climbs and catches Cersei and Jaimie, brother and sister, fucking!
Jaime pushes Bran out the window to plunge to his death but he ends up in a coma instead.
Back to Ned, he learns that John Arryn’s death may have been caused by the Lannisters, he doesn’t tell King Robert, but decides to accept the offer to investigate.
The Starks split up. Ned & his daughters to King’s Landing, Catelyn and the rest of the family staying in Winterfell.
As for Jon Snow, he decides to join the Knight’s Watch, who are warriors who devote their life to protecting the realm from what lies beyond The Wall.
Meanwhile, in Essos, the 2 remaining Targaryens..
Who are they again?
The last two members of their tribe after the coup killed all of their people and led to Robert Baratheon becoming King.. DUH!
Viserys wants to regain the throne, so he forces his sister Dinerys to marry Kaal Drogo in exchange for his vicious Dothraki army.
At the wedding, she is given three petrified dragon eggs.
There’s no way those are valuable! Dragons have been extinct for centuries…. allegedly.
After some time, Daenerys decides to not be raped anymore, and instead uses sex to control Drogo and the two fall in love. Its very sweet if you block out how he used to treat her.
She gets pregnant so everything looks ripe for Viserys’s rise, except the Dothrakis and the Kahleesi, which is what Daenerys is now referred to, don’t like him, so they do what anyone would in that situation…POUR LIQUID GOLD ON HIS HEAD!!!
Back in Westeros, Jon arrives at the Wall and finds it is not full of warriors, but mostly outcasts and fugitives.
Jon doesn’t get along with anyone which may have something to do with him always having the SAME DAMN EXPRESSION on his face all the time.
He becomes friends with a few including Samwell Tarley, and a bromance for the ages has begun.
Back at King’s Landing, new Hand of the King Ned gets settled in and Looong story short, Catelyn sneaks into town to tell Ned that someone tried to murder Bran who is now awake but does not remember anything, and that the blade used in the attempt belongs to the Lannisters.
This leads to Ned piecing together the secret that Jon Arryn uncovered that got him killed.
Ned threatens to expose Cersei to the king and tells her to flee.
Unfortunately, King Robert gets gored during a hunt and is dying.
Robert signs an order leaving Ned as protector of the realm until Joffrey is old enough to take the throne and then dies.
The most pathetic death of the entire show to date.
Ned ends up imprisoned after he is backstabbed by council member Lord Baelish, Cersei tears up the decree from Robert, and Joffrey takes the throne.
Robb Stark declares war!
He makes a deal with Walder Frey for safe passage through his lands and agrees to marry one of his daughters.
He also runs into Jaime Lannister’s army and takes him captive.
Meanwhile Ned admits treason in public to save his family and his own life but Joffrey has other plans!
GOD I HATE JOFFREY!
In front of everyone, Joffrey orders Ned beheaded and shocks the viewers at home! THE MAIN CHARACTER. DEAD.
JOFFREY YOU DICK!
Back in Essos, Drogo is killed during a skirmish.
But Daenerys revives him using blood magic!
But the blood magic kills her unborn child and turns Drogo into a vegetable so she mercy kills him with a pillow.
At his cremation, she walks into the fire with her dragon eggs and ends season 1 by rising from the ashes completely naked with baby dragons…THIS SHOW IS SO BADASS!!!
Onto SEASON 2!
A whole mess of people are claiming they should be on the throne!
Current king Joffrey, with new hand of the King his uncle Tyrion, placed there by his grandfather Tie-win Lannister.
Robert’s eldest living brother Stannis Baratheon who has a usually naked red priestess at his side claiming Stannis is the lord of light.
Robb Stark, who sends his family’s ward Theon Greyjoy to ask his estranged father for help in battle . BAD DECISION.
Robb also meets a battlefield nurse named Talisa, and marries her despite promising Walder Grey he’d marry one of his daughters. BAD DECISION.
The Khaleesi, who visits Qarth, and looong story short, she uses her dragons and ends up securing ships for her army’s after killing her enemies.
Khaleesi be cold, son!
And the last one seeking the throne, Robert’s younger brother Renly and new wife Margarey Tyrell.
Renly likes men though, specifically her brother Loras.
And Robert’s secretly gay younger brother Renly and new wife Margarey Tyrell
Catelyn Stark visits Renly to form an alliance but before he can agree he’s killed by Stannis’s smoke monster baby!
ANOTHER MAJOR CHARACTER KILLED! Wait, a smoke monster baby?
Yeah the red priestess has a super fast pregnancy and gives birth to a smoke monster.
A female knight named Brienne fears she will be blamed for the death of Renly, so she leaves the camp with Catelyn.
What about everyone else? How’s Jaime Lannister doing in captivity?
Well Catelyn stupidly frees him because he promises to free her daughters and has Brienne escort him back to King’s Landing.
Speaking of the Stark daughters, Sansa pretends she hates her family to stay alive and Arya’s pretending to be a boy named “Ary.”
She has new friends including Gendry of UK Skins, who is the bastard son of King Robert and they both are both heading to The Wall.
Arya and Gendry are captured along the way, and looong story short she becomes a servant for Tywin who doesn’t know she’s a stark, and escapes with her friends before she gets exposed.
Back at King’s landing, Joffrey spends his time humiliating Sansa and torturing prostitutes.
GOD DAMN YOU JOFFREY!
Meanwhile in the Ironlands, Theon betrays Robb to prove his loyalty to his father, makes them PAY THE IRON PRICE, and takes over Winterfell.
Theon succeeds and Bran and Rickon flee with the help of simple worker Hodor, and a captured wildling named Osha who now helps defend them.
Theon is later betrayed, taken captive and tortured.
In the Stormlands, Stannis decides it’s time to attack Joffrey at Kings Landing.
Joffrey’s bodyguard the Hound abandons him, and Joffrey runs away.
JOFFREY’S SUCH A LITTLE BITCH!
Tyrion holds King’s Landing until his dad’s army along with House Tyrell marches in and obliterates Stannis’s army.
Finally! Tyrion will be respected!
Except not. He’s injured, gets no credit and even loses his title as the hand to his father.
Joffrey abandons his marriage to Sansa in favor of Margarey Tyrell- she just hops from King to King doesn’t she.
As Season 2 ends, Jon Snow is captured by wildlings after failing to kill his wildling love interest Ygritte.
And while Sam and the rest of the crew look for him, they hear the sound of horns.
Here come the White Walkers!
AND HERE COMES SEASON 3!
Robb Stark’s uncle kidnaps 2 young lannisters and then Lord Karstark kills them against orders, which leads to Robb having him beheaded, and the Karstarks abandon the Starks.
Robb’s only hope is to get help from Walder Frey again.
Walder says he’ll forget about the whole not marrying his daughter thing if he comes, apologizes, and finds a different lord for his daughter to marry and Robb agrees.
Meanwhile, Arya and Gendry run into a group called Brotherhood Without Banners, when the Hound shows up and kills the brotherhood leader in a duel.
But after a calling to the Lord of the Light
The same god the red priestess and Stannis worship
He’s miraculously reborn.
Crazy zombie things, magic priestesses who give birth to smoke monsters, dragons, and now an immortal dude?
And we haven’t even gotten to the humans controlling animals part yet!
THIS SHOW IS SO BADASS!!
Anyway, Arya slips away once the brotherhood turn Gendry over to the Priestess, but is caught by The Hound who takes her to Walder Frey’s home where he plans to get money for Arya’s return.
Walder Frey is currently celebrating his daughter’s marriage ceremony! Everyone at the reception is having a great time! Things couldn’t be better for Robb!
He could actually win this war!
He can start a family since Talisa is pregnant after all.
And then, the unthinkable happens, well unthinkable for everyone except anyone who had read the books years ago and have been waiting for this moment to laugh at the rest of us reacting in mass horror.
IT’S RED WEDDING TIME!
ROBB’S PREGNANT WIFE GETS STABBED IN THE BABY PARTS!
ROBB STARK GETS ARROWED AND STABBED!
CATELYN STARK GETS THROAT CUTTED!
THEY EVEN KILL ROBB’S DIREWOLF!
NO! NOT THE ANIMALS! THAT’S WORSE THAN THE HUMANS!
MORE MAJOR CHARACTERS ARE KILLED OFF?! THEY DID THIS TO US AGAIN?!
Arya is crushed. The Hound knocks her out and carries her off to avoid being slain herself.
Over in Essos, The Khaleesi heads to the town of Astapor and kills the master of the army called the Unsullied.
She tells the Unsullied that they’re free, but that they can stay and fight for her if they want.
Who could say no to the Mother of Dragons?
They head to Yunkai where Daario Naharis stops people from killing her and swears his allegiance.
Daenerys’s right hand man Jorah who somehow we haven’t mentioned yet, doesn’t like the way that he looks at her though. DRAMA!
Meanwhile Jon Snow meets the King of the Wildlings who doesn’t trust him.
Oh and did we mention that they have a giant?! THEY HAVE FUCKING GIANTS ON THIS SHOW!!
On the run, Bran continues dreaming about a creepy three-eyed Raven, but is also visited by a strange boy.
Then in real life, they encounter the strange boy, Jojen, and his sister Meera who reveal that Bran is a Warg and can control the minds of animals.
Bran uses his warging powers to see that Jon is outside fighting wildlings, as he has turned against them.
Bran uses his animal control power to help Jon escape.
After that, Bran decides it’s too dangerous, tells Osha to keep his younger brother safe, and they split up.
Bran’s group make it to the wall and run into Sam and one of Craster’s wives Gilly, and her baby.
Whoops, forgot to tell you Craster was a guy north of the wall that has a bunch of incest wives.
So much incest in this show.
Loooong story short, Craster was killed, Sam escaped with Gilly and killed a White Walker with a Dragon Glass dagger he found in the snow.
Bran heads north of the wall to find the 3 eyed raven and hopefully Jon.
Okay, back to Brienne and Jaime..
Oh right, them! The subplots never cease.. to be awesome!
They have become unexpected allies as they head to kings landing, get captured, Jaime loses his hand after protecting Brienne from being raped, and they return to kings landing wheeere-
Tywin Lannister has forced Cersei and Tyrion into marriages for political gain.
Cersei marries former Renly lover Loras Tyrell, and Tyrion marries young Sansa Stark but won’t consummate the marriage because he’s that awesome of a guy!
We find out the Lannisters were behind the Red Wedding Stark Massacre, and Tyrion warns the North will never forget this.
Meanwhile, Stannis has retreated with what’s left of his army-
-And The Red priestess seduces Gendry, then covers him in leeches to capture his royal blood!
Davos, a man loyal to Stannis despite being anti red priestess, frees Gendry and gets branded as a traitor, but presents a letter from the north warning white walkers are coming and is allowed to live to help in the battles to come.
Let’s see who else needs a wrap up. OH Theon! Just when you thought they’ve cut off every possible limb on this show, they make like old school Degrassi and go there as Theon’s manhood gets well.. you get the idea.
His sister is coming to his rescue against their father’s orders though, so we’ll see what happens.
Jon Snow gets caught by Ygritte and despite their love she shoots him with arrows, but he escapes and return to the wall.
Back in Yunkai, Khaleesi and her army overtake the city easily, and her sights are now firmly set on the throne.
So now you’re all caught up with the show!
Will The White Walkers cross the wall?
Who will ultimately take full control of the throne?
Will Joffrey ever die and make us happy?
Will Jon’s face ever change?
We’ll all find out April 6th with the Season 4 Premiere of Game of Thrones!
Will you be watching?
We know we’ll be!